My solo wedding was a great success last weekend. It was an outward celebration of the internal shift within myself; a shift that took some hard work to excavate my own self worth.
As a child of abuse, I never understood what love really was. It's weird to think that a person would not know what love is, but if you were never taught how to love, how to feel love, you never know the language. I have read books on discovering your "Love Language" - Words, Time, Touch, Acts of Kindness, Gifts - but none of that addresses your inner love language. None of that speaks to how to love yourself.
What we are taught as children, at least when I was growing up, was that it was not good manners to boast about yourself. Add to that regular beatings and verbal abuse from one's own parent, you can understand why I didn't speak the language. What I learned was a corrupted toxic version of love.
After the unceremonious discard from my last husband, the narcissist, I decided it was in my best interest to learn to speak the "Inner Love" language. It took a little over three years, and I am still learning and growing every day, but I got there. I am now pretty fluent in it, and can hold my own in daily conversations! I can even read the language - which they say is a step just past learning a foreign conversational language.
As a gift last weekend, my adopted grandchildren, four of the most precious souls I know and love, gave me a beautiful four heart "Jubilant" pendant from designer James Avery. They said it represented the love each of them has for me. I have to tell you, I have not taken it off since. In that moment, I felt love in the deepest places of my heart. It all became connected and the energy started to flow into places that were for so long dormant in me.
Those beautiful children will never know how much they changed my life; how much deeper they allowed me to feel love. Never having children myself, I count this as one of my greatest gifts in life. They are a true miracle in modern times for me.
I find myself feeling everything on a more vibrant colorful level within my soul. At times it can be a little painful, as the world we live in can be very harsh , but for the most part, it feels wonderful to be living with the full spectrum of the colors of love within me. I can see it, I can feel it, and now I am living in love most every day.
