As I process the passing of my mother - formerly known as my monster - I was struck by something unexpected the other day. A friend who knew my ex called to talk to me. I wasn't able to chat in that moment, so told her I would call her back. Now my mind has a wonderful fantasy life, something that helped me through my past, so it quickly went to work.
I was suddenly struck with the thought that perhaps she called to tell me my ex had died. In that moment, with that possibility stuck in my mind, I felt a weight lift off me like I have never felt before. It was as if my oppressor was no longer in this realm - like the air got cleaner, the sky brighter, and I was finally free from the past.
I figure since Mike was the proxy for my mother, that perhaps her passing didn't really release me from the past, but his passing would or did in that moment even though it was just a thought in my head. I have chosen to keep that thought alive in my mind, not because I am angry at him at all. I wish him peace in this life, but I hold on to it for my own sense of freedom -I feel truly free for the very first time: Free to fly to wherever this life takes me - full of possibility and hope.
I understand the Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings now on a spiritual level. Here it is for you:
