Wow, I just realized today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary to the ex arse, and would have marked ten years together. This is my third non-anniversary celebration, and I do believe it has taken me all three years to not hate this day. The first two non-anniversaries were very painful days as I was still working through the love/hate, the trauma bond, the anger, the sadness, you name it and I felt it very acutely on our anniversary date.
I went all in on this love, all in on this marriage. I was feeling stronger after doing some of the internal work I needed to do to heal, so I leapt in with my whole heart. My first two marriages I held back so much of my heart, that I am surprised either one of them lasted as long as they did. But this one, this one I held nothing back, and this one loved me the least.
The lesson in that is I was I had not healed the major wound from childhood. When you mother doesn’t love you , you don’t learn how to love. You don’t learn what love looks like and feels like. I just knew when I was with him I felt like I was home. Only “home” was a place of beatings and verbal abuse while I was growing up. I didn’t see that home was not a safe loving place to be.
I know now that I married that wound, and that I married it so it could break me down enough to finally heal the wound or die trapped in it. It has been a hard fought battle with myself, but one that I was worthy of. I fought my way through it, and finally healed that wound once and for all. I finally found the love I have been looking for my whole life.
So happy freedom day to me! I am now free of the trauma bond created by my mother and the ex arse, and free to love me deeply and completely. Any other love in my life now is just the icing on the cake, but I am the cake. Ironically, I now have more love in my life than I could ever have imagined. I no longer am begging for crumbs and scraps from my ex. I have a beautifully iced cake of love; and that is way better than any wedding cake!