I think it is so appropriate that this year is 2020- the year of perfect vision. For this is the year I will claim as the first full year of living in this new space call “Self Love.” It’s been a really long hard journey to get here; fifty nine and a half years. Along the way I have seen some really hard times, but all of it has served to get me where I am now.
This past Monday I had a session with my therapist. We looked at a re-occurring dream I have been experiencing for the past year on and off. In the dream I am living in a small town in France in an apartment over a curio shop that carries all sorts of trinkets from days gone by. I wake up, in the dream, only to realize I am supposed to be leaving to go back to America the next day and I haven’t even begun to pack any of my belongings – my furniture, clothes, artwork, etc. I also don’t have a boarding pass and wind up spiraling into a full on panic state. At that point in the dream, I generally wake up for real.
We looked at what all of these key elements represent to me. The apartment far away from my home, over a curio shop where I felt safe and at peace, represent that I have risen above my past, as I now live over it, and that the sheer thought of having to pack up my new life and go back to my old life is horrifying. But, I am keeping myself stuck as I have to walk through my past to get to my apartment every day. She explained when we have a re-occurring dream, it’s because in our conscious mind, we are not picking up on the subconscious thoughts or message.
I have been struggling lately with some cognitive dissonance; unable to get past what I know now as the fake love my mother and my ex husband showed me, and line that up with what the reality of living with both of them was. Not wanting to let go of the life I thought I would have, should have with them, is keeping me stuck living over my past. While I have moved on in so many ways, much like living above the curio shop in my dream, I was visiting my life with them every day, and that is keeping me stuck.
I understand now that on a soul level I have moved past them, past the hurt and past thinking they are all I deserve. I just have to let it all go with the human side of me, and realize that on my soul level, the very thought of having to go back to either one of them is terrifying; like having to go back to my old life in the dream.
In this year of clear vision, I can now see the pieces of me that need to be let go of so I can feel freedom and love in this new life I am building. I get that now, so the next time I have this dream, I will try to create the thought that yes, it is time for me to leave the apartment above the curio shop, but I don’t have to leave France. I can just move to a new place that is removed from my past and create a new space to feel free, safe and happy.
To that I say, l'amener sur, bring it on!