I have been sitting here tonight staring at the blank screen trying to figure out what it is that I am feeling to share with you all tonight. It truly feels like an “undertow” of sadness. I have been having nightly dreams about the “Ex” for the past week. He seems to just pop up somewhere in the dream to let me know he is there, and then poof, he is gone. I wake up feeling in a funk, wishing he would just move out of my head, heart and dreams.
It’s been just over a year since he left, and thirteen days since I sent my last email to him. I think like an snake sheds it’s skin, it’s the shedding of layers of emotions and feelings for him as they slowly die that is causing my sadness. It’s over. Nothing I am going to do or say is ever going to bring him back, nor should it for my own happiness. I just didn’t want to let go of the dream. But now I have to.
I am sad because it’s the holidays and though I have quite a busy schedule, he still will cross my mind every now and again during the day and leave me feeling sad for the thought. How could I have let someone so broken into my heart, how can someone so broken walk around hurting so many people and not even have an inkling that he is the cause.
How could he have forgotten me so easily and quickly? How is it I am stuck with the memories and the emotions over the loss and he is blissfully unaware. Sure he is not happy in his new life, big surprise, but I guess because he is used to life resembling shit, he is not even aware of how miserable he is and how miserable he makes those around him.
I hear his new gal is drinking heavily, big surprise there too. I guess his pleasing personality is taking it’s toll on the old gal. Poor thing she has no clue, but soon she will. He will leave as soon as he finds a better situation which really is a better source of energy for him to steal.
I guess that is the gist of the sadness…….and like a true undertow, I guess I am just going to have to swim out of it.
Here are the steps I found on Google:
1. Remain calm. If you get caught in a rip current, don't panic. ...
2. Call for help if you're not a strong swimmer. ...
3. Float or tread water until you can swim out of the current. ...
4. Swim parallel to shore to escape the current. ...
5. Swim diagonally to the shore after you're out of the current.
So I am calm. I have called in the professionals when needed. I held my own until the tidal wave of emotions passed, so I guess I am up to swimming parallel to the shores of my pain until I am out of the undertow….then I will swim to the shores of happy.