I just found out about an hour ago that the “Ex Narc” is coming to town for a visit. I won’t be seeing him; he knows he is not welcome at my home, our former home, but just the sheer fact of knowing he will be in town feels like a violation of my space.
I would be lying if I didn't say part of me wants to see him so desperately but that would only pain my heart and put me in a really bad emotional place. In my fantasy he would see me, and fall back in love with me. (I know right????? Crazy girl!) But that is the truth of the matter. The healthy part of me with boundaries wants no part of him, but the part of me that still is healing is still clinging to the fantasy.
It’s been one year today since I saw him. He came up to get the rest of his things and the Christmas presents I bought him like and idiot. I actually burst into tears last night when I realized that fact. I find it amazing I could still have any type of feelings for him at this point – an entire year later. He was cruel, unkind, and left in the most cowardly way possible, but here I am still feeling somewhat raw from the entire experience.
I have worked hard on finding my own value and feel like I have made a lot of progress, but then I hear news like this, and it makes me doubt how far I have come. I hope one day to be able to “run into him” and feel nothing. No pain, no tears, no love, no hate, just nothing. I guess since I really loved him for seven years, it’s going to take a little longer for me to let it all go.
That is an act of kindness towards myself.......understanding this will take time, and complementing myself on my ability to love someone even though they didn’t deserve an ounce of it. What does our higher power say about loving the unlovable? I guess I can check that off my list!