What does one do to mark one of the worst days of your life? The “Awefulversay” is just 5 days away. Does one send themselves some black roses? A funeral wreath? Black candles? Stale cake? I am not quite sure what to do the mark the day. It’s not one I really want to acknowledge on a conscious level, but clearly my body wants to make a big bloody deal about it.
I tell myself, really what changed that fateful day? He was already gone – I hadn’t seen him in six months, oh, but wait…..it was when he told me he had started banging the old lady just six weeks after he walked out on “us.” That is what the root of the hurt is. I was so disposable, and unmemorable, and I was easily replaced in just six short weeks. That hurts the ego and pride besides my heart.
So OK, you were forgotten and replaced in six weeks. But forgotten by whom? An uncaring, selfish narcissist, with not one ounce of empathy in that dark black soul. So what is the big deal….he was an asshole….but here’s the kicker…..he was MY asshole. I was deeply trauma bonded to my captor and didn’t know how to live without his constant mental mind fuck. Like a beat dog that keeps going back for more.
I’m out now – been out for 360 days so far. I have come a very long way to heal the damage he left behind, and to the heal the broken parts of me that allowed that to happen. So maybe I need to switch perspective on this and call it the “One Year Healaversay” as I am one year past the hostage release and learning how to live in the light.
Healing is taking place every day. Even if it’s just baby steps some days, I am learning to love myself, wholly and completely so this can never happen again. I have replace the doormat that says stomp your feet on the way into my heart, with step lightly and walk with love and respect. House rules state there will be no abuse – no drama – only light and love.