Sometimes your body knows things before you do, before you can put your finger on why you are feeling a certain way. For the past week I have been not sleeping well, more than normal. I am extra tired and have apparently installed a grumpy button to my face and mouth. I have been feeling anxious and just not at ease in my own skin. My heart rate is up, and I have even been having some chest pain. I know it’s not medical related because it’s been for over a week, so if it was the “big one,” it would have taken me out by now.
I had lunch with a friend today and was telling her how I have been feeling. She reminded me that in just over a week it will be the one year anniversary of when my ex told me about the other woman – the day he destroyed my heart. Even though he had left “us” back in November of 2017, he kept up the ruse of us still somehow working things out; that he would spend half of his time in Florida and half of his time with me. We would talk several times per week. Other than the fact that he didn’t live in the same state as me, it still felt like we had a chance. I now know this is called “Hoovering” in the world of Narcissists.
Apparently, my body has been gearing up for the gut punch again, not realizing it was a year ago. He told me on July 3, 2018 at 6:30 PM in the evening. My roommates and I had just finished a nice spaghetti dinner. He called and told one of my roommates about it, but within ear shot of me. That is how I found out. I was so upset, that I couldn’t even bring myself to eat spaghetti again for almost ten months, because I would think of that night, that moment….and I would get sick.
So I guess this is just going to have to run it’s course, like the flu or a bad case of diarrhea. I can do things to help mitigate the negative effects of it, but I am still going to have to go through it. I can’t wait for the day that this is totally out of me, out my brain, out of my heart, out of my body. He has used up and wasted too much of my time and my emotions.
It doesn’t help that he is blissfully unaware of what he has done to me, or chooses not to care – I think it’s both. I imagine he is still in his weird relationship with his seventy one year old girlfriend, and is busy building his new life. Is he any happier now? Who knows, and who cares.
Come on Dad, bring on his Karma bus – let his weight gain begin!