I find it amazing that while I have so much to be thankful for in my life, I seem to just be hell bent on focusing on two things I don’t have; the love of my ex husband and the love of my mother. Two things, just two things missing out of an entire life, and that is what I choose to focus on.
I own my own home, and as a single woman, I am just thrilled about that. I have a job, my own car, food on the table, reasonably good health for my age, two of the best cats in the world, and most definitely the world’s best friends. I have air conditioning, indoor plumbing and running water. So why do I obsess in my mind about the two things I don’t have? Is it just a part of the human condition? Is there any hope of correcting the vision to see the good not the loss? These are the questions I have running through my head tonight.
I wish there was a pill I could take to erase the memory of them both from my mind. I know that not everyone will love my particular brand of crazy, but you would think that one’s own mother and someone who declared they loved you and married you would indeed actually love you. In the end, what does it matter really; they are just two parts of an entire life that didn’t work out, but they seem to keep my attention focused in a place where pain and suffering live. Hey, maybe that is what I will call them, pain and suffering, so that I might be less apt to want to hang with their memories.
It's kind of like watering dead plants. It does not bring them back to life; only makes mud and a mess. So any more time and tears I spend thinking about them, is just like watering dead plants. No love will grow where it's dead no matter how much I water it. So tonight as I climb step by step out of the hopeless hole I fell in last week, I will remind myself that hanging out with pain (the ex) and suffering (my mother) is not fun and should be kept to an absolute minimum, and that the mud I am making by crying over them will only make climbing out of the hole harder.
Thank you for letting me ramble tonight. Sometimes just getting things out of my head and on paper helps. Here’s to a better tomorrow for us all.