I have been walking around the past week feeling like an empty shell of myself. I felt sad, and just kind of lost. Letting go and closing the door on the ex-narc, and having no focal point for all of my emotions left me rudderless. I am starting to come to terms with the damage that was done to me by the ex-narc and by my family of origin all those years ago. As I work to release all of that pain from the cells of my body, I began to feel like I don’t know who I am.
As it turns out, my Emotion Code/RET therapist told me today that it’s completely normal to feel like that during the “reprogramming” stage of my recovery. It makes sense when you think about it, if I am no longer living my life built on the lies and betrayals that used to form the framework of my belief system, I’m much like a body with no bones; just a puddle of squishy parts with no form - stuck to the floor, unable to get up and walk away from the mess around me.
With that understanding, we made some great strides today with the reprogramming of my belief system. We worked on me not being afraid to have my soul fill my body with it's presence. How sad to be afraid to let go and become one with your own soul. I see now that it is the only path to self love. After all, once we connect with our soul energy, how we can do anything but love ourselves.
I can’t tell you enough times that it will take a team to help you build these connections back to your soul. Think about it, you wouldn’t re-wire the entire electrical system in your home without calling in an expert or two, so why would you take this on yourself. If you don’t know how to love yourself or where to start, you can’t even begin to know what you don’t know.
I am grateful for these sessions, and I am grateful for being shown the path to loving all the pieces of me– the light and the shadow parts. So I will keep on journaling for thirty days to see what comes up. I will continue to monitor how my inner voice talks to me – kind words or sabotaging words; and I will remember to pull back from the drama film playing over and over in my head and ask my inner mom to comfort me. I will hug and hold myself till the pain and chaos goes away and is replaced with love. I picture it like what I would see in the movies – mommy kisses that can heal anything.