We all sit next to others on any given day at the movies, in church, on a bus, at work, at a lunch counter, and hardly ever hear the silent screams from within their souls. So many of us have been torn apart by the loss of a love in life and don’t understand why. Why did they leave, why does it hurt so badly and why can’t we let go of it and move on. We just sit and silently scream in pain on the inside.
I have been sitting with my screaming pain for awhile now. I have done the work to understand why I was attracted to a man so bad for me that being with him was like slowly being poisoned every day. The days were he would not talk to me, the days when he would look at me with such contempt, and all I the while all I wanted from him was to be loved. Why? Why was I waiting for him to love me when in the face of things, he was never going to love me or be the man I hoped he would be.
I have done my work to understand that I had created the exact situation that I had lived in all of my young life. Living with a mother who no matter how much I wanted to be loved by, was never going to love me- she wasn’t capable of it. Here in the seven years I spent with him, I set up the same situation. I was trying to heal that old wound through this relationship. I was never able to make my mother love me, nor was I ever going to get him to love me. All these 58 years gone by……and the silent screams persist. I have almost become deaf to them.
When a child is not loved by their parent(s) they do not stop loving the parent(s), they stop loving themselves. They lose the capacity and the brain mapping that allows them know they are worthy of love, that they are worthy of good in their life. You can be re-wired to love yourself, but it takes time, persistence and a wanting to heal and let go of the past and all of its lies. I am slowly realizing I am going to have to wake up the sound of my silent screams, to not turn a deaf ear to them. It’s in the listening to them I can continue to heal.
So I will sit and listen for now.