Seeking the Answer You Will Never Get
While working with one of my clients the other day, she expressed to me that she felt stuck and just wanted to talk to her ex-narcissist one more time to find out why he had promised to love her, and then after years of emotional abuse just left. She felt if she could speak with him just this one last time and get the truth, that she would finally be able to walk away from him and what had happened.
Let me explain why that won’t work. They are liars. They lie to themselves about being nice people or why they feel “entitled” to take advantage of others. So do you think they will be honest to their former supply (us) about why they did what they did? And what would the truth look like anyway? I promise you it would sound something like this:
“ I didn’t fall in love with you. I don’t even love myself, so I could never love you. I use people. When I met you, my level of interest in you was proportionate to the amount of good “fuel” you would provide me. When I say will always I love you, what I am really saying is I will always “use” you. I get bored very easily. I also feel superior to you (yes even the covert narcissists do).
So here is the bottom line. I am an empty shell of a person looking for you to fill me up. I need so much poured into me that you can never give me enough; even if you were to die for me. And if by some small chance you can keep me feeling somewhat fueled up, I will get bored and leave you anyway. Like a child with a new toy, I lose interest quickly and move on to the next latest and greatest shiny new toy, never looking back or missing the old toy - you .”
So there you have it. There is the truth you will never hear from them. Why on earth would they ever admit that to anyone? It’s mean and cruel. They are not emotional mature enough to even understand what they have done, and they lack any empathy for anyone but themselves. So don’t look for answers from them. Don’t look for the truth from them. Their answers will be lies, because the truth is to horrible for them to admit.
Instead, seek out the answers to these questions from yourself. 1) Why did you allow this person into your life; because we did allow them entrance into our heart. 2) What about you is so broken that you thought this was all you deserved? Be truthful with yourself about why, and in that truth you will find your healing. Knowing why allows us to fix the broken parts of us that allowed this to happen, and will ensure that it never happens again.
You have suffered a major loss. You have a broken heart, no self esteem, no self love, and are trauma bonded to this person who treated you so callously. I know, because I was there broken on the floor when he left me. In time when I was finally able to lift my head off the floor, I asked myself those hard questions, stared down the truth of it, and then worked on fixing me. In the healing of those parts of me that allowed this to happen, I found my happy again. I found lasting love for the first time in my life. Who knew it was hiding in me all this time. Love yourself first, it’s the foundation of everything good in your life.