Just when I thought I had seen it all, along came “Naked Hobbit Guy.” He made Bologna Bob look like a prince. Naked Hobbit Guy and I chatted for about a month on the eHarmony mail site. He lived in Orlando, about an hour from where I lived. He seemed funny, polite, and kind, so we decided to set up our first date. Our plan was to meet on the following Saturday at a local park – you know, a girl has to be safe about these things.
Well, on a whim, that Friday night I called him up and asked him to come over for a light dinner and a movie. He arrived about 90 minutes later. As he got out of the car, he said, “Wow, you are more ethnic than your picture shows.” What the hell does that mean? I wanted to say, well you are a lot shorter than the 5’9” you told me you were, but I decided to be nice about it. He came in and I started to prepare our salads. I decided to just stick with salad so I could get him out of my apartment as quickly as possible, as I could tell we most definitely had no chemistry. All of a sudden he came into the kitchen and just planted one on me, with his tongue too!!!! EEWWEEEE GROSS! I told him to back off, I don’t like tongue before dinner.
I set the salads down on the coffee table, screw the dining room table, fired up the movie and excused myself for a moment. I went back to my bathroom to rinse my mouth out and say a silent prayer that he would leave quickly. When I came back out - all of about a minute later, there he was – sitting on my sofa BUTT ASS NAKED! I screamed, “OMG, what the hell are you doing???? Get your clothes on and get out of my apartment!!!!!” His response was “Well I knew things weren't going so well, so I thought I would try this.” I yelled back "Now I am going to have to burn my sofa, and you need to get dressed and get the hell out immediately, if not I am going to call the police!"
He dressed and left; then about 30 minutes later he called me and asked if we could go out again! WTF, had he lost him mind!!! I told him no, and to never ever call me again in this lifetime.
I was so distraught I went across the hall to my neighbor’s door and asked him to come over. He was great single guy – just too young for me. I needed to have someone talk me down out of the tree I had climbed up after the hobbit left. He came over to have a drink with me. I told him what I had done and what had happened. He was like, “Girl, what the hell were you thinking. Don’t you ever do that again!” I started to cry and asked him what was wrong with me – why wasn’t able to meet anyone nice. I will never forget what he told me. He said, well first off, get yourself a better bra and hike those girls up back where they belong!!! LMAO! And then he said to just breathe and be myself, it would happen when it was supposed to happen; such wise advice from a young guy! Gotta love his perspective on things. So the next day I want bra shopping and treated myself to a pedicure to put the prior evening behind me and start fresh with the next person eHarmony said was a good match.
Enter, Cry Baby Don. Stay tuned……….more to follow.