I finally did it. It has only taken four and a half years, but I finally did it. I have started sleeping in the middle of the bed!!! I am so excited. I noticed when I woke up the past few mornings; instead of being on “my side of the bed” I am in the middle.
I claim that as a victory. On some subconscious level I am no longer waiting for him to come back to bed, or back to us. He moved out of our room three years before he left us because of our different sleep/wake cycles – mainly because he could sleep, and I could not. He said my reading in bed with a book light was distracting to him and keeping him awake. Quite frankly I love having the bed to myself for that exact reason. My nighttime shenanigans can be a bit much for a sleeper.
I love the freedom I have now. If I decide to watch something on the television and I feel the need to laugh out loud, I can. Don’t underestimate the hilarity of the old “Honeymooner’s” reruns; And Ralph Kramden always makes me glad that I am single. If I want to play on my iPad, listen to music, jump on the bed, eat crackers, anything really, I can and don’t have to worry about waking someone up, or having them look at me like I am nuts.
So pay attention to the little cues you will get that healing is actively happening. Do I miss the “him” that he could have been, yes. Do I miss having someone to reach out to if I have a bad dream, maybe a little, but the freedom to just be me; weird, strange, up all night, Willow, well that is worth more than what I ever got in return from him.
Just when you think you are never going to make it, you get a sign – a sign that you are making progress!