Just when you least expect it, your emotions can hit a hidden curve or a wall and knock you off your feet. Case in point, my roommates and I were watching a funny female comedian on Netflix tonight, Iliza Shelsinger. (Check it out it was pretty funny.) Anyway, she got on to the topic about women and our bodies, and was making some pretty funny observations. In that moment I wanted to cry. I could feel the tears welling up in me. Not because of what she said, but because in that moment I realized how much I still hate my body.
This body who has served me very well despite the years of abuse and neglect from my mother and then by me. This body who for all of its 58 years has held up remarkably well…….I still hate. I am trying so hard to love who I am and really feel like I am making progress, but in that moment I realized I have made no progress towards loving my own body.
Deep inside I feel like my body betrayed me. It had caused my husband to walk out on me. One of the reasons the XNarc stated for leaving our marriage was because I gained weight, and I don’t possess an athletic build he prefers. It’s not like I hid my body when we met. I am all of five feet zero inches, and I showed him pictures of my female relatives. My families roots are from Italy and they are all short, wide, and have mustaches….and I am talking about the women. So on a good day I will never be tall and svelte. I have always had a poor body image, and his leaving only added to the self hate.
I realize now I am going to have to make peace with my body. My amazing body that has gotten me to this point and despite the beatings, and neglect, still keeps going. I don’t even know where to start with this, but like the broken heart I navigated through with help, I will navigate this as well.
There are parts of me that I am just going to have to learn to accept, parts that I just cannot change. No amount of wishing, dieting, exercise or plastic surgery will make me taller or change my genetic makeup. I can do better with some things, but in the end, it’s going to have to come down to accepting myself as I am.
I will leave you with this thought…..One day as I was walking past an office building with those mirrored windows, I said to my friend that I hate those kind of windows because I don’t like to see my fat reflection looking back at me. She turned to me and said…..do you know what I see when I look at you? I see my friend who I love. She almost made me cry.
I guess that is the truth of it. When someone loves you, your body size or shape does not matter. They love you for you. So that is where I will aim to grow and learn. I have to remember that the XNarc never really loved me, so in the end it wasn’t about my weight or build, it was about his fucked up mind. I hope one day soon, I can really believe that.