I Still Love Him - And That is OK
I have worked so hard to clear the pain and trauma of loving my ex-narc of a husband, but there was/is still something keeping a piece of me “stuck” to him. I live with constant battles between my head and heart over getting past this hold he seems to have on me, and moving on with my life. I have done so much work to heal and move past our relationship, tragic as it was, but have not been able to completely let go. If wishing only made it so it would be done.
I have a close friend who like me can see through her third eye. She really is my mirror – right down the fact we share the same name. She told me she saw me “tethered” to him still and was concerned for my well being. I told her that in fact I was feeling tethered to him – but it was of my own doing. My head knows I am so much better without him in my life, but small parts of my heart - I am ashamed to admit - still love him. This man who treated me with no respect or kindness, who never even loved me, I somehow still love. I am horrified to be saying it out loud. I have a constant battle raging inside me – one side fighting to let him go, and the other side holding on to the few good times we had, wishing it could still be that way.
With one suggestion on how to re-frame how I am thinking and feeling about it, she lifted this burden from me. She said, “Why don’t you just allow yourself to love him and stop fighting it? You don’t have to act on it – You can just love him. It’s called loving the un-lovable.” In that very moment the fighting in my soul stopped. It’s OK to still love him. I know it sounds crazy, how could I after all that has happened, but I am just going to have to accept the fact that I still do.
This will in no way change how I live my life - I won't act on it – but it will drastically change how I “think” through my day. I love him, and that’s OK. I love someone not worthy of it, and that is OK. I love someone who doesn’t even love himself, and that is OK. I love the one person who hurt me as much as my mother did, and that is OK. I still love him, and that is really OK.
Sine this epiphany three days ago, I have spent far less time in my head with thoughts of him. When he does comes to mind, I just tell myself I love him, and poof, the thoughts of him stop invading my day…… and that is REALLY OK!