I love a Surprise; or What am I Thinking Now?
As I wrote last night, I am done with the pain and grief of the ending of my marriage. I understand now I was married to a mirage, and like a thirsty traveler lost in the dessert, I dove right in to nothing, an illusion, and banged my head on the hard packed sand. So what do I do now?
I’m going to start with the basics. I am going to go back to journaling every night. I know most of you are rolling your eyes, but hear me out. Just write something every night. Write whatever comes to and through your mind…..like stream of consciousness writing. Write until you feel like you have gotten it all out of your head and on paper. Turn the page, and don’t look back. Don’t re-read it, don’t edit it, just turn the page and call that day’s writing done. The goal would be to write every night for at least 30 days, just writing, turning the page when you are done, and no looking back to peek.
At the end of the 30 days, get comfortable with your favorite drink, for me a cup of coffee, and read your thoughts for the last 30 days. You will get to know yourself in ways you never imagined. I know we all think we know what is bothering us on a day to day basis, and what we think we want to change; but I promise you, you will see your thoughts and priorities in a whole new light.
The first time I did this, I was convinced I was dealing with full blown depression. As it turns out, when I was done reading my thoughts for 30 days, I remember saying to myself, “Wow that is one angry woman.” I would have bet my life on the fact I was depressed and sad. I often told people, I don’t allow myself to get angry. Talk about living in major denial.
Once I understood what was driving my emotional state for real, it became easy to take on the head full of anger I was carrying around and release it. I let go of people, things, situations that kept me in an angry state. So I am happy to say, there will be no stressed induced heart attack for this old gal, because I release any anger I am holding pretty quickly now, well except my last marriage, and he is most definitely not worth a heart attack.
So tonight I will start again for 30 days and see what is brewing inside my mind, what am I really feeling, not what I think I am feeling. I am not even going to make a guess, because I truly love to be surprised!