Two weeks ago the “ex” contacted me to let me know he was coming to town to visit his daughter. (See, never unblock them.) He asked if we could meet to talk. After a day or two of debating, I let my guard down and agreed to meet with him.
We met for an hour on a rainy Tuesday afternoon back on the 15th of this month. We had a nice but strained chat. He asked if we could be friends now. I told him I would have to think about it. As he hugged me goodbye, I did something stupid. Up to this point I was not feeling anything being around him – Yeah! – but when he hugged me – I wanted to see if there was still any sparks left, so I asked him to kiss me goodbye. When he did I almost fainted like I used to when we first met. This told me we could not be friends. He was/is still like crack to me, so I can’t go there.
He left and I felt like that was the end of it. I was really OK with how it ended and ready to continue to move forward without him. But, when you break no contact with a narcissist, be prepared for some trouble.
Later that week I got a text from him, that he had made it home safely from his trip, and he asked again if we could be friends. He said that because of our talk about his daughter who lives with me, he had decided to move back up to Alabama to be near her so they could repair their relationship. I was happy to hear that, because every girl needs to have a good relationship with their Dad. It sets the stage for how she will allow men to treat her.
In the spirit of sharing good news, I told him I had just achieved a fifty pound weight loss, and was feeling fabulous. And here is where the blow back comes. He did not respond for a day, and when he did, he just sent me an article on obesity causes and trends – that just said “read this.” To which I replied:
“Wow - quite a read - and interesting points raised – I had heard a few years back about the flora in the GI tract and how it effects weight - they have taken the flora of a skinny rat and put it in an obese rat - and the obese rat got skinny in a matter of weeks - I too believe it is a multi faceted problem that will require many different approaches - like they do with cancer now - no longer a one size fits all treatment - they can now analyze each person’s cancer to learn what will feed it or starve it - I believe weight issues will have to be treated the same way - mine I believe is genetics - lack of sleep - high stress - and not loving myself enough to care. I don't like being obese at all - people judge you - leave you - make fun of you - all very hurtful - if those same people did that to a cancer patient they would be condemned by society - but for the obese - dish it out - they are all lazy worthless unattractive forms of humans – so says society.
For me - the self hate - the judgment - the abandonment - all became too hard to bear – so I have gone into full throttle weight loss mode to drop these 50 pounds. I've already seen a shift in how others perceive me - but here is the kicker - I'm still the same person on the inside - one who can see the heart of others and want to help not harm them - but for those who only can see a 'fat girl' that is how I will be judged and loved or not loved - and that is the true tragedy - the true crime - that a skinny empty hater will be held in higher esteem than a kind obese person - until that changes - we as a society are ultimately doomed to shallow living - skin deep is as far as we will go.
Look at your own daughter – she would rather have starved herself to death than be considered among the obese - what does that say about society - that that beautiful soul could have been lost due to society values and judgments’ - leaving the ranks of the haters and judgers even stronger - the weak in character shall inherit the world - as the kind obese people are relegated to the life of shame and ridicule that they clearly deserve says society - well that's enough for one night - sleep and be well.”
To which he replied:
“I just have to disagree with you on one point. You keep saying people or me in particular left you because you got fat. It’s not that simple.
If you were 120 lbs I still probably would have left. I just left Jeannie (Norma) and I she looks great to me.”
At first I was hurt, as he never once complemented me when we were together about anything. I would ask if a certain outfit looked good on me, and he would reply, are you fishing for a compliment? He could never ever say I looked good, or attractive, or say anything nice about me. So saying what he said about Norma, just cut me to the bone. I spent the day vacillating between hurt and anger; Anger at myself for taking the bait, and angry at him for being so cruel.
I came home and started listening to my library of YouTube videos I have in my playlist about narcissists. I haven’t had to listen to these in a long while. Why - Because I stayed no contact. Then up popped this one video and it turned it all around for me. This guy's videos on narcissists are phenomenal. It's called:
Dangers Of returning After No Contact Narcissist
https://youtu.be/srxzVh_p-GY (just cut and paste into youtube browser)
As he states in the video, when you break no contact with the narc, they will come back with a vengeance to hurt you. They are angry that you shut them out, and do not want to hear that you are doing better without them. All along I thought he did what he did to get to me, but I got to him. Let me say that again, by doing well for myself, I GOT TO HIM! That is why he lashed out at me, had to try to hurt me, because I am doing better without him. Understanding that, I was able to let the entire event go and get back to my life as it is without him.
It is really true, the best revenge is to just go and do better for yourself. Karma will handle him when it’s his time. I am happy to say at the time of this writing, I am down another two pounds and plan to keep on going. Woo Hoo!!!
