I saw a FaceBook meme today that said, “I’ve been single for awhile, and it looks like it’s working out. In fact, I think I might be the one.” I read that over several times, and let it sink in. I AM the one. It’s taken a lot of time and tears to get where I am today, but I so totally AM the love of my life I have been waiting for.
Now that is not to say that I still don’t have down days, but on a whole, I have more days where life has more colors, more meaning, more laughter, more love than I ever experienced in any of my marriages, especially the last one. I find I am taking way better care of myself, and being way kinder to myself than I have ever been.
I found out the ex is coming into town next week. The last time he came I was so freaked out about running into him. This time I could care less. We actually spoke on the phone last week, and I felt absolutely nothing. No heart racing, no anger, no love, just a big ole bowl of nothing.
It’s taken me this long to really see that he is not worth it anymore – that he never was. No amount of time, tears, wishing, or hoping will ever make him into a nice person. He sees nothing wrong with the way he conducts his life, so there will be no personal growth happening there. Pity for him and for any poor gal that gets trapped in his snare.
He informed me that he is now single, as he grew tired of Norma’s shit. His cycle is getting shorter. Twenty eight years with his first wife, seven years with me, now only twenty-one month’s with Norma. Seems like his “suppliers” are getting less and less in quality as he ages. His first wife was/is grade A prime fuel (I just love her) – I was good fuel, and old Norma was slightly less so. I guess because we are all getting older – we have less energy and sparkle to be siphoned off. It will be interesting to watch from afar just how short the cycles grow until the inevitable outcome of him being all alone.
I am actually sad for him. It’s a horrible way to live, and a horrible life. I guess I have come full circle. I loved him, hated him, and now have compassion for him in his aloneness. I love the new me, wobbly knees and all. It took fifty nine years to get here, but I am so glad I finally did. You can too. The journey is so worth it.
