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  • Writer's pictureRobin WillowMoon

Hoovering; It Sucks

Updated: Aug 26, 2018

Once your narcissist leaves, one of the tactics they use to keep you under their control so they can still “use” you is called “Hoovering.” Just like it implies, they will continue to “suck” what they can from you for their own gain. Even though they have moved on to their next “supply,” they still want what they can get from the one they just discarded.

My ex “narc” was no different. He called me most days to ask my advice on how to settle into his new life. He called me when he got sick, or if he had car trouble, or just to vent about his day. He kept the conversation going much like we did when we were married. He even held out hope he would come back –maybe live in Florida half time and with me half of the time. Again, wanting to believe his lies, I allowed myself to be deluded into thinking he still cared and would come back one day. What I didn’t know was that he was already in a relationship with his new supply, a 71 year old woman, and never had any intention of coming back to “us.”

As I mentioned in a previous blog, this is one of the many reasons why it is so hard to heal after a relationship with a narcissist. You are often left with no notice, given no closure, and when they start to “Hoover” you; you are left with the hope that your relationship is not over. Because they have destroyed your self confidence, yourself worth and value, you are left thinking no one else in the world would want you, so you just hold on to their empty promises so you are not alone.

I realize now after much reflection that it is not him that I am actually grieving over, but the loss of the dream of what could have been. I am in love and miss the man that I thought he was; not the actual man that he is. After all, who would love someone who treated them so unkind?

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