Today would have been our seven year wedding anniversary. I was hopelessly in love with someone not capable of loving me in return. Oh, he said all the right things, and promised me a future and a life with him, only he didn’t really mean any of it. I believed in him, and I believed in us. I don’t regret having loved someone to that degree; it’s scary, exhilarating, fun, and sad all at the same time.
I got to experience emotions on a level he has never felt. And mostly I would say it was worth it, except for days like this. When I think back to our wedding day I felt like the luckiest gal in the world having found someone I was so profoundly in love with and who I thought loved me in return. I had no idea this was all the “love bombing” stage and that when the page turned I was in for a painful life with him - one that I could never even have imaged from those first happy days.
With all that said, I still find my heart hurting for him, and for what our marriage could have been if he actually was the man he presented to me when we met and while he courted me. That man was amazing, attentive, caring, and kind.
We had the wedding of my dreams; a simple marriage at the courthouse on Halloween; just him and I and the person marrying us who had also been married on Halloween 30 years earlier. I thought that was a sign that our marriage would last. We left the courthouse and went to a tiny diner on the town square for lunch and then for a walk in the park. I got married in a beautiful outfit I found at a thrift store and he was married in a beautiful blue shirt that made his eyes sparkle. After our walk we returned to our rented home on an alpaca farm and had a coconut chocolate wedding cake I had made earlier. It was just perfect!
Now here I am today feeling the sadness of what was once one of the happiest day of my life. I want to share this beautiful poem by Lang Leav attached below. I guess I was just destined to end up being one of his "Lost Things."
