Well the dreams have continued on about the ex. I guess I am still working things out on a subconscious level about my life with him. The interesting thing is they are slowly starting to change. He is coming in more as a extra instead of the leading roll or supporting roll he has been in. Last night I actually saw just how black his soul is. It was a little scary to see.
What binds us to people like this? I have moved past my feelings of hoping he will ever change and come back. I no longer am willing to lie to myself thinking he is anything more than the heartless piece of shit that he is. So what more do I need to let go of him to get him out of my dreams? I no longer wish to spend any waking moments or sleeping moments dealing with my feelings for him or about him.
I hope I don't have to be knocking on heaven's door before this all goes away. He was like a tornado in my life. He left such damage in the wake of his path, that when he left it almost destroyed me. He broke me so badly that I had no choice but to fix my wounds or die from them.
It has been a long hard climb; I have made some great progress, met some great people along the way on the same path, and really feel like I am getting past this. Then I have a dream or a thought like I did last night, and it tumbles me backwards. It's so painful to see just how much he pretended to love me just so he could get what he wanted from me; a free place to stay and someone to pay his bills. It makes me feel so pathetic.
I have had so many good days lately, I guess it was just my day to get smacked back a few steps. Maybe we have to have days like this to remember just how painful it was to be with them and to keep us on our healing journey.