After my experience with “Skid Marks” I had a few more dates with fellows that Match.Com said I would be compatible with. Since I wasn’t really meeting anyone I liked, I decided to shake things up and change my benign profile introduction to this:
“Looking to get your heart broken and your clock cleaned, then I'm your girl. I am very high maintenance, love the most expensive things in life, and have been known to stalk men on occasion. If you are someone who wants to be taken advantage of, generally be driven nuts with high drama, and forced to watch endless hours of chick flicks, then let’s get busy. Those with a lot of disposable income will be given preferential treatment as I will be spending it as fast as you can make it. I will not like anything you do, complain often, and can guarantee to not like any of your friends. Still interested? Man enough to handle me? Then I will be awaiting your response. Please be sure to send it along with some expensive jewelry to get my attention. The sparkly the better!”
Believe it or not, this got me noticed. I had a few guys say things like “Nice – for once one of your kind is being honest!” LOL I actually did meet one pretty nice guy with this new take. I call him “Juggling Bill.” Bill was a comedian juggler who worked the cruise lines. He invited me to meet him at a Cinco De Mayo gathering that was happening at a local eatery. When I arrived he had a beautiful pair of sea glass earrings he had custom made for me since I asked for jewelry. He was funny, liked to write, well traveled, and owned his own condo on the beach, so I’m thinking hmmmm, not bad. After a few drinks we walked over to his condo so he could show me his place. I spent some time looking at the ocean from his fourth floor balcony, and then he wanted to show me the rest of the place. As we walked into the master suite I noticed the bed was covered with plastic sheeting. My immediate thought was I have royally fucked up and he will be using that plastic to wrap me up and dispose of me. (I have an active imagination and a low trust threshold.) Turns out he was having some renovations done and didn’t want dust on his bed. We had a good laugh and met up a few more times. He took me to baseball games, had me over to dinner, and overall was a really great guy. Although we enjoyed each other’s company, we decided a good friendship was all we could offer each other.
After that I decided to move up to eHarmony. It cost more, but again, you get what you pay for. The dates I had from eHarmony were with far nicer guys than I had met on the other sites. First up was “Bologna Bob.” Bologna spent our first and only date telling me about how his last girlfriend broke his heart. While it was sweet to see a man actually give a shit about someone, it was not how I wanted to spend the evening. I felt like I needed to check on him a couple of times after our date to make sure he didn’t slit his wrists or anything. In most of our correspondences he either spoke about the ex or told me how he hates eating bologna sandwiches for lunch every day. I asked him “Well who makes your lunch?” He said he made them himself every morning. So of course my next question was “why don’t you make something different?” He really didn’t have an answer for that. At this point I felt I had done my do-diligence to make sure he was safe, and cut old Bologna Bob from my list of potential match ups on eHarmony.
I was starting to feel like I would never meet anyone nice, and that is when "Naked Hobbit Guy" entered my life. Stay tuned for part three of Dating Disasters.