I have spent some time working through my feelings from the meeting I had a couple of weeks back with the ex; and with the aftermath of that meeting. I have been vacillating between sad and relieved (sad for him, relieved for me that he no longer runs my life or mind.) Ultimately I have settled on compassion; compassion for me for allowing him to come into my life and trash it, and compassion for him knowing that at this point I have serious doubts he will ever figure out what he came to this world to learn.
How sad for him to have lived sixty one years and have nothing; nothing on the inside, and not much on the outside. His daughters love him, but have their own lives now, his job is coming to an end in the spring, and he lives all alone in a sparsely furnished impersonal apartment in Florida. He has his on-line chess to pass the hours and his daily tennis matches, but that is it. He admittedly does not care for most of the people he plays tennis with, as they are not as good as him, his words, and thinks women are only on this earth to fix him food, pay for things for him, and have sex with him when he wants to. He lives a life of complete lack- lack of empathy, lack of love, and lack of any happiness. And that makes me terribly sad for him.
I was so angry in the beginning after he left, feeling like he moved on with his new, now ex girlfriend Norma so soon after disposing of me. Until I did my research about narcissists, I thought he was happy while I was suffering. It felt like he had “won” at moving on in life; as if I wasn’t worth grieving the loss of. I see now, that while he may have had the short term gain of appearing to be happy and to have “won,” that in the end, I am finding lasting happiness- a happiness that he will never know.
When everything has been said and done, when all else is gone, there remains compassion. I am deeply sorry for him and hurt for him - in that he will never find true peace of the soul, true happiness, and the meaning of true love in this life (self love). In the end he will most likely end up all alone as I have learned from the research I have done. It’s that “poverty” mentality that he has. There is no goodness and abundance in his life, because he can only see lack, and is always chasing the next high to fill the hole in his heart.
How sad. I no longer hate him. I no longer wish he would come back to me. I just have compassion for the “lack” in his heart and soul that will keep him stuck in this life. I am sad for him that he will have to come back to live this life again as he did not learn what he came here to learn. It does motivate me to learn what I came to this world to learn, so that I may never have to experience him or someone like him in another life. And for that I am grateful and have forgiven myself for not loving myself enough to allow all of this to happen.
I hope I have at least gotten a B+ in this master class of life.