When I woke the morning after the soul tie cutting ceremony, my inner critic, who I call Priscilla Queen of the Desert of my Mind, started in immediately on the only thing left for her to upset me with; the fact that my mother and my last ex husband never loved me. I now refer to them as “Mimily” Mike + Emily = Mimily. As Priscilla tried to stir up those painful thoughts, I said to her no, we are not going there today; we are going to think of happy memories instead.
As I laid there trying to think of some, I realized I don’t have many memories that are not haunted or ruined by my own personal inner critic and demons. Sure I have had happy times with my friends and have attended happy events, but they were always shrouded in a sadness or anger based on what the inner demons where dancing about that day. I can recall sitting on the beach enjoying a beautiful day with my friends, but inside the inner critic and demons were celebrating the fact that I was single, unloved and unwanted. Outwardly I looked and sounded fine, but the beautiful day was ruined on the inside because of them.
My quest now is to start to make memories that are truly happy for me to fill a journal with. I hope I have another good 25 years left in me to create these memories. Now that “Mimily’s” ashes and the ashes of my marriage to him have been discarded in the neighbor’s curbside toilet waiting to be hauled to the dump, I am free of those demons. They are not longer allowed to take charge of my thoughts. In fact my first happy memory was finding such a great resting place for the ashes of my marriage.
Yesterday I spent a wonderful day with my closest friends at a small 4th of July pool party. For the first time I was 100% present in body and mind, and I had a truly wonderful time. I was lost in the moments of laughter and sharing with them. I was fully plugged into the moments of creating a wonderful memory to put in my journal, as the demons are now resting nicely in the toilet down the street. I am so looking forward to what these next 25 years hold, and the happy memories I will create with people who love me just as I am.
