I have been spending time over the past three days that I put myself back into exile from the XNarc thinking about why I have had the need to keep communicating with him. What was I looking for from keeping the dialog going with him? Closure? Amends? Regret? Gnashing of teeth? What was keeping me in the steel cage match with this heartless bastard?
In my logical brain, I know he is not capable of apologizing for what he did because he thinks somehow I wronged him by not supporting him anymore and giving him everything he wanted while he gave NOTHING in return. I know he will never regret tossing me away like a piece of trash. So what do I want? What am I looking for?
I am still in the throes of trying to figure this out, but for tonight, this is what I have so far. I want him to hurt when he thinks of me; I what his heart to physically hurt. I want him to remember all the wonderful things I did for him, and the few good times we had, and cry when he realizes he threw it all away. I don’t wish anything bad to happen to him, as living life the way he is would be punishment enough for someone who had any kind of feelings.
OMG – that’s it. I want him to develop feelings. Real honest to goodness feelings, so he can experience the pain he caused to so many others. Sadly I am not his only victim. His first wife, past girlfriends, his daughter, me, Norma Jean......the list goes on.....
Can you imagine being in some type of emotional coma, and coming out of it only to realize what a horrible person you had been and how much pain and heart break you had caused others. The weight of that would be unbearable to me. I wouldn’t even know where to begin to ask for forgiveness and make amends for what I had done if my victim list was as long as his.
So that is part of what I want, what I am looking for. I wish for him to awaken to real emotions, real feelings, and to figure out how to live with what he has done, to feel the weight of it all. Maybe if he did, and could bear the pain, he would become the person he was meant to be - rather than the broken soul that he is. Maybe it would lead to his salvation. Not with God, but with himself. What a beautiful idea that would be.