I read a really great article the other day - see link below - on what it means when a narcissist says they love you. It was quite a chilling read truth be told, and clarified much of what I went through with my ex husband. It gave meaning to all of the red flags I didn't see when I ran headlong into that relationship, right down to the look of scorn on his face when he looked at me most days. I get it now, it was like being married to a cyborg with no emotions who just needed my vitality, energy and kindness so he could survive.
As I wrapped my brain around that and have moved on in my head and heart, I noticed this past week or so, I have been more quiet than normal. I talked to one of my roommates about it today, as they have noticed I have been more quiet lately as well. What I explained to them is that now that my "human heroin" addiction has been broken, and I can see my value, I just don't have much to say. It's like when the entire focus of my life has finally settled down to a place of just being in my own skin and enjoying that feeling, I really don't have any unspoken words flying around in my head.
I am not sad as one would think when a normal chatterbox goes quiet, but maybe since I am not in all that internal strife and chaos, I just don't have anything I need to express. Maybe this is what quiet contentment feels like. It's just so foreign to me as I have spent all of my days for all of my life until recently, just trying to survive the storm in my head.
So what now? What do I do with all of this quiet peace? I finally have started to read again. I used to blow through a book a week, but haven't picked up a book in years that I was able to finish all the way through. I just finished a book called "A Beautiful Terrible Thing" by Jen Waite this past week. It was about her life with her narcissistic husband and what she went through as it ended. A great read, and it hit close to my heart given my past relationship. So maybe it's time for me to pick up a good mystery book or some type of really great fiction book so I can start to retrain my mind to enjoy it's new found peace.
I feel like I've hit that part in a story where the princess rides off into the sunset to live happily ever after. The thing is, that no one ever shows in the movie, what that looks like, or what that feels like. I'm not complaining about it, but after almost 58 years of inner turmoil, what do I do with all of this peace? I guess I will just have to keep moving forward and find out.