According to the Urban Dictionary a Narcissist is:
Someone who always seems to turn the situation onto themselves. Instead of thinking about the other person they tend to focus on themselves and how they can benefit from the person or situation.
A person who is very good at manipulating others into doing what they want or making the other person feel that they're wrong in a situation when its clearly them. They love to make the other person feel like they are the crazy one.
A narcissist is someone who can be arrogant, vain, manipulative, and greedy for admiration.
Remember this - if you need nothing - I am totally there for you!
You can spend hours researching online the main characteristic behaviors of a narcissist. Your “Narc” may display a few key signs, many of them, or all of them. To me, the most telling and chilling one is their inability to feel anything for other people. They have a total lack of empathy towards others. If you see that in your love interest, run as fast as you can. You cannot fix them. They often will also have a lack of boundaries, and feel that the “rules of life” do not apply to them.
In fairness, I believe that “Narcs” are created, not born. An environment in the home that was toxic can cause the psychological damage that creates this behavior. When a child is shown only conditional love, “I will love you only if you get straight A’s on your report card,” or is devalued by one or both parents, “You are worthless, and stupid, and lazy” or on the other side of the spectrum, where the child can do no wrong, known as “The Golden Child,” this child will lose a realistic view of “self.” As with any type of emotional abuse, the child will gravitate towards a coping mechanism, such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or develop a personality disorder, Narcissism being one of them.
That said, as an adult, we have a choice to stay in the “coping state” or heal ourselves through various therapies and become the person we were meant to be all along. One can choose to find meaning and purpose in the suffering and use that purpose for the betterment of themselves and the world around them. We all have a choice on how we handle coming from a disadvantaged background.
How do you know what choice you made (staying stuck or healed) simply look around you. Look behind you, if there is a path of destruction, you chose to stay stuck and let your past dictate your future. If there is peace and harmony around you, you made the decision and took the actions needed to heal.
So in the end – we all have a choice to do good or evil with our lives. I believe it is never OK to harm others. Take responsibility for your “emotional shit,” fix it and make the world around you a better place. We all have the power of choice.
Willow Moon,
Thank you so much for being so brave to share your story! Reading about your awakening to your own value in the aftermath of your divorce inspires me to examine the shadowed places in my own relationship. My former mate also had catch phrases and nicknames for me. Whenever I made a mistake or had an accident, such as dropping a plate, he would call me "poor thing". When I finally realized the level of condescension in his tone that I had taken for compassion, I too let it go on far too long, ignoring my own instincts.
Please continue on your brave journey! You are not alone :)