Well, today I fell off the wagon of being kind to myself. I allowed the XNarcs words to play in my head and went down a bad path. I started to think of all the names he used to call me and became angry. Some of the meanest ones were Diarrhea Mouth, Whale, and Butter Ball. Nice guy.
I don’t know who I am angrier at; him for saying those things to me, or me for staying with him for seven years. I tried to stop myself from heading down this road in my head today, but my inner demons were stronger than I was. I will allow them to have their fun tonight, but tomorrow when I wake up, if they are still there, I will drown them with happy music and time outside. They hate both of those things.
In my mind I see them as “Thing One” and “Thing Two” from Dr. Seuss; wreaking all sorts of havoc wherever they go. It’s truly how I see them running around in my head bonking into my thoughts and spilling them all over the floor. They especially like the dark thoughts that cause me pain. They love to take those out and finger paint their words all over my head.
It amazes me how a reasonable, smart, capable woman can allow these “Things” to run rampant in her head when I have so much good in my life to focus on. Why why why do I go down this path???? Why do I allow “Thing One” and “Thing Two” so much freedom in my mind? Lack of self love, that’s why.
So tomorrow I will get back up off the floor, put away the “Twin Things” mess and start again. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life. I will rebound and do better tomorrow. Isn’t that what someone who loves themselves would do? YES!
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