They say only you will know when you have banged your head against a wall enough times to stop doing it. I believe I have hit that wall today. If you follow my blog, you know I broke the “no contact” rule with the ex narc earlier this past week. It was a wholly unsatisfying experience. What I discovered today as I was doing more research about what happened to my marriage, was an entire new classification of narcissism, called the covert narcissist.
What is a covert (also known as shy) narcissist? Covert narcissism is just another way of describing introverted, vulnerable, or hypersensitive narcissists. As I read more about them and watched a few videos on YouTube, it hit me in the face. This was exactly what he was. Like the regular narcissist, they think they deserve more out of life, command adoration, and so forth, but they do it from a place of a “wounded soul” or a “poor pitiful me” attitude. Common things they will say are things like “my ex-wife didn’t’ understand me” or was “cold and didn’t love me,” when in reality he was the one who was cold and unkind.
Covert narcissists typically are the sneakiest, most dangerous narcissists of all because they operate like stealth bombers. You know something is wrong with the way they behave and how you feel, but you can’t understand what is going on because they work to distort your reality. Being connected with a covert narcissist is akin to psychological warfare as you find yourself on the receiving end of their cruelty. The silent treatment, the constant complaining and the insulting of you; your appearance, the way you cook, clean the house, etc. Again, you sense something is wrong, but as an empath, you want to help them to heal - so that becomes more important than your own needs, when all they really want from you is to drain you of everything. They actually cannot stand the fact that you have your own resources to draw from; they feel entitled to it all from you.
Armed with this knowledge, something finally clicked in my head today. I understand now just how damaged he is, and that unless he understands what he is doing to others and works to fix his shit, he is in for a sad end. I understand now that my marriage never stood a chance, because we were not in it for the same reasons. I was in it because I loved him with every cell of my body, mind and soul. He was in it because of what I could give him.
I supported him for about two and a half years, paid for all of our vacations and all the extras of life. When I told him he needed to work and contribute, he hated me for making him get a job. He actually said that since he was getting old - that he wanted to enjoy his life and not have to work. He wanted to be able to play tennis and online chess, and read; that working would just get in the way. Also, if he worked, he would not have time for a relationship with me. Come on, really???? Keep in mind I am only 2 years younger than him, but it was OK for me to work a full time job, cook, clean, shop, pay for everything, and try to stay appealing to him because I had so much time to take care of myself, NOT.
So I am done. I am done blaming myself for the end of our marriage. I am done blaming myself for falling for him in the first place. I had no idea what I was up against. My intentions were pure. I now liken our marriage now to the sinking of the Titanic. I put myself on the ship. I will own that fact. I fell in love, and gladly but blindly hopped on board. I am not responsible for the ship hitting the iceberg of his lies and deceit, and I am damn sure not responsible for him being so cold, cruel and manipulative.
Now, I can fully heal my heart, my head and my body of his toxic abuse. I need to love me more, because I can no longer survive on the way he loved me less.