The Bi-Polar Express
I started my day full of hope for a good day back at work after my mini vacation. I also was thinking of what my random act of kindness towards myself would be. I decided I would allow myself to step away from my desk at lunch time, and take a walk outside to get some fresh air. Typically I just eat at my desk while I am working.
Well work was its normal level of crazy busy for a Monday. I manage a couple of medical clinics, so typically Monday’s can be a little more nuts than most days. We are also in a full moon phase, which amps up the crazy to a higher frenetic level as well. I was plowing along through my morning, and then with well timed precision, the cross town Bi-Polar Express train pulled in and idled. I have got to figure out how to close down this station.
I am having a difficult time trying to find a way to work through the sudden mood swings. A wave of overwhelming sadness hit me, and I was in that place in my head questioning am I going to be able to make it through this loss. Sometimes it feels so incredibly big, I start thinking it’s going to swallow me whole. I decided at that moment to get out of the office and in the fresh air as I promised myself I would do. It most definitely helped to shift the energy, as if the express train was trying to pull out of the station.
So here I am tonight, with the Bi-Polar Express still idling and filling the air with sadness. As you can probably figure out by now, I write to help deal with the pain. Blogs, journals, poetry….it all helps. I would like to share a poem with you tonight that I wrote a short time ago as my tears flowed and my heart still hurting.
“You broke me, not all of me, just pieces of my heart.
Your words hurt, your touch became distant, but worse than that was the way your eyes turned cold when you looked at me.
Chasing the idea of “better” – better place to live, to work, to play, you just left one day, left me to go on in this life we built for two, only now I am alone.
You’ve been gone now for awhile, and the hole you left still lives in what was once our home, still lives in my heart. The spaces that once held your presence now hold only memories of you.
You broke me, not all of me, just pieces of my heart.”