Still Pulling Roots
Updated: Apr 5, 2022
I have been settling into my new work routine since the big change last November. I have a main gig, a medium gig, and a small gig. Just as I was getting a groove on, I was handed another test by Spirit.
My medium gig was doing nursery billing for the physician group I used to work for. It was kind of like leaving a job, without having to fully let go. That seems to be my specialty, not letting go long after the music died. At the end of this month, that gig is over. They are going to be pulling it in house. When I found out, it stuck me deep inside. My inner demons, who I thought were all gone, let me know there was still some residual goo still inside me. Still some of those old self loathing roots to be pulled.
What was I so upset about - it's not like I don't trust Spirit to keep me afloat financially. I still have plenty of work to do with my other two gigs, and have been called about taking on yet another one. But why was I so moved by this - and not in a good way.
And then last night it struck me. It's my mom all over again. In this position I report to two women who have by and large always treated me like shit. One more than the other constantly criticized everything I did, questioned my work flow all the time, No matter what I did, it was never good enough. I could never please them. Sound familiar????
Who were these two women who I was constantly trying to please and in their eyes constantly falling short - MY MOTHER! Anyone with high self esteem would have left this job in the dust when they sold our practice off. But not me.......when asked if I would stay on to just do the nursery billing, I jumped at the chance to keep proving my worth to them. (Not on a conscious level mind you.)
So as this side gig winds down this month, I will internally let it go and know that I no longer have to try to work to get these two women to find value in me. Their opinions don't matter and won't matter anymore. They never should have to begin with, but hey, I am making progress.
Perhaps since this is the last piece of my "old life" that I will cut ties with, this will be the last bit of demon goo I will have to deal with regarding my mother - who by the way has defied the doctors predictions of not making it through the night last December, is still alive, just not kicking. She can't as the last stroke left her with only a working head and one arm. Perhaps this is the last bit of self hate root that is being pulled. I really hope so.
I asked Spirit to guide me through the cutting of ties to this job, to this thought that I must prove my worth to them, and help me to move forward to the next wonderful thing Spirit has lined up for me. I know nothing will be taken from me without something better coming.
as long as I believe in my value, own my value, I know it will be great. If I don't, it will be replaced with yet another set of people for me to try and prove my worth.
I really do know my own value on so many levels, so this really surprised me when it came up. My new main gig told me that I was a "blessing to their practice." Wow, I need to just own that down to the deepest parts of my soul.