Updated: May 19
And just like that, quietly about 2AM Saturday morning she slipped quietly through the veil and was gone without a sound. Mom left the day before Mother's Day, and just five days before her birthday. The war is officially over.
Having spent a lifetime in battle with her - there so many feelings to sort through. Even though we have not spent any meaningful time together for the past 20 years, there was a certain comfort in knowing she would always be there at the other end of the phone if I called her or when she called me. I'm sad for the many times she did call and I didn't answer, not wanting to ruin my peace in the moment,
The fighting mostly stopped over the last 20 years, as I was busy working on healing and learning how to fall in love with myself, so I couldn't make myself available to her. I cry now for all the memories we could have and now can't ever make. I cry for the memories we did make - the beatings, the verbal battering, the times as I child I would pray for one of us to die before the next sunrise.
My brother phoned me yesterday and said he found a form filled out by my dad, asking him to list any birth defects. In that line he had listed my name. My brother wanted to know if that is why mom never loved me. I have no idea why my name would be listed under birth defects, but that just really underscores my relationship with her; that my dad would list me as a birth defect.
The ending of anything is sad, whether it be a good book, a movie, or just a good meal, but the ending of a life and a life long battle tied to that person feels overwhelming right now. I guess in my mind I had hoped that one day she would see me for who I am.....a person with value, a person worthy of love, and now I know that day will never come because now she's gone.