One Year Later

I am coming up to the one year mark since my Narc walked out of our marriage. I was thinking today of how my life has changed over this past year. There were some pretty tough times, but there were also some really great moments of self growth and understanding.

Just this past week a dear friend from my old high school days came to visit. As we reminisced about both of our childhoods it occurred to me that I really did marry a proxy for my mother.

As a child my mother always wanted to live in Florida. She thought she would be happy if she lived there and that her life would be somehow miraculously better. That is all she talked about until my father finally relented and moved us all south. Was her life any better – no, because if you are miserable on the inside, you can live in paradise and you will still be miserable. She never loved me, was physically and mentally abusive and I lived with the constant threat she would give me away.

My XNarc was just like her. He thought Florida was the best place on earth to live, and that if he lived there he would be happy and all of his problems would be solved. He was mentally abusive to me, and I lived with the constant threat from him that he would leave. There were many days I drove home from work expecting that he would be gone. And when he did up and move to Florida, is he any happier; direct from his own mouth, not really. He didn’t understand that you have to be happy and at peace on the inside or your location does not matter.

Understanding this point was key for me. As I have done my mental work to heal the part of me that understands my mother will never love me, I stopped seeking it and found peace with that fact. I now see I married a man just like her. He was not capable of loving me or really anyone, so I will stop seeking that from him and I will stop thinking about what I could have done to make the relationship work. I will just accept the fact that it didn’t.

So how else has my life changed??? I am way less stressed, I have dropped forty five pounds without really trying; I find I am happier most days, and at peace most days. I have a home, a car, a job, am in reasonably good health, and have a family of friends who really love me. My home is peaceful when I get there and I know my two roommates will be there when I do get home. What more could I ask for in life. Could I have finally found the peace my heart has been looking for?? I certainly hope so and will continue to work on loving me. I know my healing work is not done, but so far so good!