I was feeling kind of janky this morning really not knowing why. As it turns out, my roommate had put my Xnarcs weights in my trunk for me to give to a friend. The weights were not stored in my house up till this point, so my first contact with them was this morning. These were used by my Xnarc most days when we were together. I think I actually bought them for him.
I met up with my friend in the early afternoon, and as I popped open my trunk to load them into her car, I could feel his angry hateful energy all over them. As I touched them to transfer them out my car, each one was just dripping with negative energy all aimed at me. It was the worst feeling. I actually felt like crying all afternoon. No amount of hand washing, deep breathing, or distraction helped.
To actually feel the depths of hatred someone can have for you is overwhelming. All of that negative energy overtook me and left me on my knees. I took away his easy source of fuel, I get that. What I didn’t get was just how angry they become when you wake up and cut them off. I felt it today, and it was scary. I now understand when some of the YouTube videos I watched talked about how they will get violent with you. I don’t think my XNarc would have ever physically hurt me, but he sure did mind-fuck me most days, and emotional hurt leaves very deep scares that no one can see. But they are there and are very painful.
I will work though this and spin my energy back to a healthy place. What I wanted to share with you, is when you least expect it, something will come up and try to knock you down. It got me today, but if and when it happens again, I now know to be prepared. I will not ruin my life looking or waiting for these moments, but much like when you know where the boogie man is hiding, they really can’t scare you if you know it’s coming.
Stay strong on your healing path. And keep them in the freezer……I will explain that tomorrow.