I had a conversation with the XNarc yesterday. He told me I was trying to over simplify the answer to why he left; that in his mind, he just needed s fresh start, so he did not throw me away. Below is my response to him I sent today.
"I have a few final thoughts I just need to get out of my system about our conversation yesterday. I don’t expect you to reply to this or even understand my reality of the situation; just because it’s not yours, doesn’t make it not very real for me. You stated you just needed to run away and start a new life. That is your reality of what happened. My reality is quite different. I was discarded by someone who didn’t love me enough to stay. Doesn’t matter about Florida, cats, weather, if you really love someone, they should matter more that those trivial things. I wasn’t even valued enough to be truthful to. I am referring to your secret house hunting, secret job hunting and secret interviewing. And the one time I asked you to not be truthful to me, you couldn’t even honor that.
My reality of the situation is when I required you to get a job and contribute to the finances you were very clear about if I made you do that you would not have time for a relationship –no time for me. When I didn’t back down from requiring you to work you, true to your word, you put me on the back burner and turned angry towards me because I was not willing to fund your life of leisure anymore.
As I became unhappy with my isolation from you, I did begin to eat and gain weight. Guilty as charged. I ate my emotions. I admit it. Besides the coldness from you, when you body shamed me and food shamed me – it just drove me further inside until I was living the same life I lived as a child. Isolated, abused and unloved by the very person who was supposed to love me.
Abused you say, yes, because the emotional coldness and anger and the shutting out of me you shot my way was emotionally abusive. Like ignoring a dog that just wants to be near you and loved. It’s funny you wound up to be an exact living proxy for my mother, even down to how she thought living in Florida would solve all of her problems and make her happy. You became my monster just like she was. While you never physically beat me, you sure did emotionally beat me just like she did.
My reality is that my legacy in this life will be that I have left the world a slightly better place for the people I loved while I was here - funny memories, kindness and understanding, emotional and financial support when needed, and a safe place to just be. What is your legacy Mike….have you left the world around you a better place? Or have you left a trail of destruction behind you. Broken hearts, broken promises, broken vows……
So like my mother, I will need to put you in that same place in my heart that allows me to move on. I realize that I have been the one keeping this one sided communication going - Guilty as charged - I think I was trying - like I did with my mother all those years to make you love me; a fool’s folly. I get that now. I don’t like to give up on something but sometimes that is just the reality of it. My reality of it. "
I hope and pray I have the strength to never talk to him again. I have once again blocked his number from my phone, and will try to remember the reality of who he is and what he did, not my dream version.