Mourning His Passing
So OK, I married and asshole who dashed out with a two week notice and is now taking advantage of a seventy one year old woman. What a great guy! To deal with the pain that all of this has caused me, I have decided after much thought, that he, the ex narcissist, the man I fell in love with and married, but then turned rotten - has died. That’s right, I said it, he has died. With his passing there will be no going back for me. No wondering if he will ever come back.
I know that may sound extreme, but I will say this; The man I met and fell in love with did die. Who is left in his place is not the man I knew. The man I knew was kind and loving when we first met. I had no idea he was a narcissist, and that we were in the love bombing stage of the relationship. During this phase they put on the full court press to win you over. That is the man I fell in love with, that is the man I thought I married. What he revealed of himself over time was not the man I first met. Let’s face it, if he was his true self at first, I would have never even given him the time of day. Instead he won me over by loving the same things I did, staring into my eyes lovingly, spending time with me just goofing off, and though he had a damaged past, since I came from a damaged one too, we had that in common. We read books on healing together and started what I thought was a long and happy relationship.
The hell that started right after that phase, the insults, the jokes at my expense, the silent treatments, the looks of disgust and then the ultimate discard left me broken and doubting myself in every way. That man still lives and breathes, but the man I first met, he clearly has died.
I wrote on my bathroom mirror this morning “RIP Mike 04/02/19” as that is the last time I spoke with him, and needs to be the last time in my lifetime. What this has allowed me to do is move to a mourning mindset. Since he has been gone from my life for 408 days now (that was the last time I laid eyes on him) it’s been a whole lot easier to take. I was actually able to think of some of the good times we had, and feel lucky to have had them. I also can feel like he is not in emotional pain anymore, and can’t hurt anyone anymore. (I have a great imagination)
I know this all may sound like a head game, and it is, but it is working. Today was the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like I was carrying around 100 pounds of bricks on my back - feeling the depths of all the emotional pain of all of this. I was even able to breathe better and give my clenched jaw a rest.
So rest in peace my dear Michael. Know that for a little while in your life you were truly loved and that you made me happy for a very short time in mine.