As I worked on unravelling the source of my recent bout of sadness, it came to me from Spirit, in order to fully heal from the trauma of my childhood, and to be able to let the thoughts of my ex husband go, that I was going to have to make peace with my past.
As luck would have it, with Spirit's guidance, my mother and I had the opportunity to talk last weekend. She is in her mid eighties, and said she has been reflecting back on her life as it starts to draw to a close. She said she has been regretting some of the things she did, and some of the choices she made.
At that moment, I told her not to regret what happened between us. She was a little taken back, so I asked her to let me explain. It is my belief that in soul form we make "soul contracts" with members of our soul tribe. I chose to learn "Abandonment" for this life's lesson. She chose to be my teacher. When you understand this agreement, you can understand why what happened had to happen.
In order to teach someone how to survive and thrive through abandonment, who better to teach you then the soul that chose to be your mother. When your mother abandons you, that is about as deep as abandonment can get. In the physical and mental abuse of my childhood by her hand, I was abandoned into that hell all alone. I was being taught what I asked to learn.
She actually made a huge sacrifice in being my mother, knowing that in order to fulfill her soul contract with me, she would risk having any kind of relationship with me in this life. When you look at it like that, I had no choice other than to say thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what I asked to learn. Thank you for making that sacrifice. It also allows me to understand the role my ex husband, Michael, played in my life, as he was a proxy for her when she could no longer reach or teach me. He continued on with the lesson until I was able to learn it fully.
Was that an easy lesson to learn, hell no. I think it is one of the more brutal ones you can choose to learn in a lifetime. What I carried with me for years was anger. Anger at myself for not being able to stop what happened, and anger at "God" for not protecting me. What I leaned was to hate myself, the ultimate abandonment; the abandonment of self.
Falling in love with myself was the key to finally learning this painful lesson. Now that I love myself, I can never be abandoned ever again. I have discovered that I was and am the love of my life, an with that I will always be there for myself. For that I say "Thank You Mom."