Wonders never cease to amaze me. My XNarc actually sent me a text a couple of nights ago, asking if it would be OK to come up for a visit in a few weeks. What???? Classic hoover move, only now I am wise to his game. The best part is I did not respond, nor do I have any intention of responding, and no want to respond. The bigger part of me says game over, so that is the part I am hanging with.
I won’t lie, there is a little part of me that would love to see him, but I keep telling that part that he would not come up, see you and remember that he loved you and want you back….why, because he never did. My guess is he is needing some good fuel since he has probably sucked all the good fuel out of his seventy one year old supply he is shacked up with now; poor old gal. But he is so not coming to drain me. I won’t allow it.
I have to credit my change in heart to all the work I have done to finally start to see the light. The therapy sessions, hypnosis, emotion code, acupuncture, HZ music……all have lead me to the place I am today….finally starting to feel and see my own value. My friends are starting to comment that I seem more at peace now than they have ever seen me. I am finally building an infrastructure of love within my bones, heart and soul.
I had a thought today after watching a movie about someone in rehab working the 12 step program they all seem to be based on. Step four is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Step eight is to make a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them. I am going to apply these two steps to the way I have treated myself all these years and make amends to myself.
The first step I will take will be to stop being so damned judgmental about everything I feel and think about myself. As I watched the movie and saw what this person went through as a child, I understood why he became an addict. My heart hurt for him. Applying that same grace and understanding to myself, it’s no wonder with a childhood like mine I tormented myself – that was my addiction – to hate myself; along with internet shopping and food issues.
I gave myself a heart hug today and told my inner child I was sorry for what happened to her, and that as of today, I will work to make amends to her for all the mental torture I have heaped upon her all these years. I see now how this will tear down the wall I have built around her and I will be able to show her love and compassion that she needs to be able to heal and see her own worth.
I think I am just going to sit with this thought for awhile. It feels good.