Integration - It's a Wonderful Thing
Healing comes in many stages and things can shift without you even being aware. I am in one of those periods right now where I don't sleep much at night. Generally I will fire up the computer and get some work done I brought home from the office, or play on Facebook, but this week something different happened. In those dark hours of the early morning as I laid in bed, I started feeling a connection to the little girl I used to be.
It started as I was laying there looking at my own legs and feet, thinking that these are the same feet that used to hit the floor in the morning as a child in terror for what fresh hell would unfold that day. The same legs that would carry me though that day, and then return to bed at night praying for one of us to die - her or me - just to end the pain.
My hands that toil in the office all day and write by night are the same hands that as a child I used to hide my face so she would not see the tears. I could not let her know she had gotten to me. These are the same hands I used when I prayed for death to come. For the first time I felt the connection between that child and the adult I am.
Integration is the act of bringing together smaller components into a single system that functions as one - that is what is happening. I am becoming one with my child self. As I take her into who I am now, we are becoming one. Healing is happening in ways I never thought possible.
I know I am healing because I am seeing my ex differently in my head. I have been binge watching "The Walking Dead" with my friends. I now see my ex as no more than a face sucking zombie out to eat/kill anything he can use for fuel. How sad for him that he will never know happy - that we are all just fuel for him. I'm no longer angry at him, just feel sad for him and for his victims.
I no longer see him in the faces of other people. What I see now is me as a child being welcomed into who I am now. That is a much happier place for me, a more productive place to be. Instead of looking back at the pain my life once was, I am taking the hand of that little broken child, bringing her into my heart space and looking forward.
I am having some surgery this upcoming week. I have decided to have angel wings tattooed over the scars that will be left behind. Those wings are ready to take flight to the new path that I have been heading towards. The path to peace.