In The Beginning
Updated: Feb 25, 2019
In my quest to heal myself, and finally fall in love with myself – something I never learned to do as a child – I have found being honest to yourself about what you are feeling, and to stop lying to yourself about why this has happened, has been the most important thing. Allow the truth to penetrate the deepest part of your soul and see things as they are, not as you want them to be - or how you see them based on your life experiences.
I have come to learn that I was married to a narcissist. I had no idea, and as I have researched - the person in the relationship with the “narc” often does not know until they are in too deep, or until the “narc” leaves them, which they generally do.
My “narcs” lack of emotion towards me and derogatory comments about me and who I am, slowly took away any trace of love I had for myself. When he left, I was so broken because my well of love had been bled dry. He had sucked every last bit of my energy and light from me and then casually walked away like I meant absolutely nothing to him – which I have since found out that “narcs” don’t value a person, they value what they can get from them.
As I am an empath, my “narc” must have felt like he hit the lottery when he met me. Empaths by nature are very giving, generous souls, and will tolerate a lot of bad behavior the normal healthy person would not - as we have a large capacity for forgiveness and understanding. It's our inner light that draws them to us.
I have since learned that when they leave, you have the normal grief to endure, but they leave a whole host of other feelings you as their “supply” (the person who they use to meet their needs) has to deal with. Since they have spent all of their time with you slowly chipping away at your self worth you feel lower than pond scum. They also rob you of closure, because when they leave, they do so quickly and often without any real clear reason they are willing to tell you. And when they move on with someone new – which they do at lightning speed, you are left to wonder did the entire relationship mean nothing to them. The simple answer is yes – you were just a means to their end – a way to get what they want out of life, and give you nothing in return.
So now it's time to rebuild. I will have to find the strength to stand up again, and find my true value for the first time. It's time to learn to love myself first, so others know how. Today begins my journey.