I Feel Like I am Losing my Mind
Updated: Feb 25, 2019
I have been in no contact with my “narc” for 50 days now. No contact is like 50 days of no alcohol for the alcoholic or no drugs for a crack addict. And make no mistake, loving a “narc” is like being addicted to something so bad for you, it can kill you. And even though you know it’s bad for you, you just crave another fix. Honest, I have the junk man itch as I write this.
I used to wonder why women stayed with abusive partners. Now I understand. The abuser slowly, systematically erodes your self-confidence, if you ever had any, and begins to make you feel like no one else would want you, or you couldn’t survive without them, or any one of their other lies from their big book of lies, Chapter One. My “narc” made me feel so physically unattractive, that the elephant man would be better looking than me. So why would I even think of leaving him when I would have to bag my head before going outside.
When the narcissist feels like you have absolutely nothing left to offer them, then they will leave you, all bruised and broken, and feeling so very ugly. This is known as the “discard.” If you have been in the relationship for a length of time, Stockholm syndrome will have set in, causing you to have feelings for your tormentor that no one else could even begin to comprehend. Why on earth would a sane person want to stay with and be abused by someone who cared so little for them? It makes absolutely no sense, but I promise you, it’s true.
I make deals with myself every day like, if you can get through today without contacting him, you can call him tomorrow. And then tomorrow I make the same deal with myself again. I have gone to a therapist, had Emotion Code therapy, acupuncture, and hypnotherapy. I told the hypnotherapist I would rather cluck like a chicken than think of him. Sadly she said she didn’t do that kind of work, but gave me some other post hypnotic suggestions that have helped.
So I guess what I am trying to say tonight, is that being in no contact with your narcissist is like going cold turkey with alcohol. You will get all the feelings one would expect as you detox, the emotional DT’s, mind racing, heart pounding. You will make bargains with yourself, just call and talk to him one last time for a moment and you will feel better, but in the end you will just wind up feeling worse and hating yourself even more. You have to just do it, rip the band aid off, feel the pain, and endure the emotional colonic you are going through. Tough it out and they tell me - it gets better in time. I am counting on that.