I Can't Believe He Said That!
Updated: Feb 25, 2019
My ex-narcissist took every chance he could to devalue me. He said I talked too much when we had guests, and would use a “buzz” word to let me know when I needed to stop talking. He said I shopped too much, but since I was the main bread winner he guessed I could do what I wanted. He looked at me with a judgmental face if I was eating something he did not approve of or ate too much. (Apparently he didn’t mind when I ate too much of the shit he gave me regularly.)
I had heard on the John Tesh radio show that couples that have pet names for each other often have better marriages. When I told him about it, he said in an instant, my pet name would be "ButterBall." That should have sent me running out the door, but I took it in stride, and let him call me that for far too long. I was crazy enough to think it was cute because it reminded me of Thanksgiving and all the festivities of the holiday (I know I was delusional). Now looking back, I can see how cold and callous that was. He was mocking me to my face every day, under the guise of loving me.
The worst one was just after we had been intimate one night that he told me I had gained too much weight and he would be more attracted to me if I lost it. (See how much shit a damaged soul will take from a “narc.”) Why I just didn’t get up and leave him then I will never know. Yes, I had gained weight; at that point it was about 50 pounds. Yes I didn’t like myself very much at that moment either as I was acutely aware of what the scale said every morning. Why, because I have eyes that can see the numbers. He didn’t have to point out the obvious in such a cruel way. Perhaps he could have said, I am concerned for your health, what can I do to help you? But even with this said, I told myself he was only reflecting back to me what I felt about myself, so it’s OK. I pretended it didn’t bother me, but inside I was crushed.
Nothing was the same after that. I was so hurt; it actually drove me to eat even more. I received no love or affection from him, and no time or attention from him, so I tried to fill that void with food. Others may choose, drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping; really anything to excess to deal with the pain of rejection on that level.
You can see now, how this lack of self love can really distort your reality into thinking that someone who can even think to say things like this to you - loves you on any level. They don’t, they are just there for what they can get from you. This was the beginning of the “Discard” phase; only I didn’t know it at the time.