I know I have been MIA for a bit. Where have I been you ask? I have been having tea with my old friend depression, well more like a luncheon that turned into dinner and drinks.
I wish I knew why this happens to me. I feel like I have been doing pretty well in trying to see the positives in my failed marriage and my screwed up career – but there I was in the throes of a full blown depression. It was all I could do not to burst into tears all week at work, and then I cried myself to sleep at night. What is really upsetting is that I really can’t even put my finger on why.
I am sad that my marriage ended, but I have to keep moving forward, no choice there and really better for me in the end. I am in the process of stepping down out of a long term career in management to do something more behind the scenes for my own sanity and to have balance in my life. All good things, but I was left with a giant hole of hopeless that I seemed to have fallen into. And then my oldest friend depression says, “Welcome Back. You are here again. Maybe this time you won’t leave so soon. Maybe this time you will see your life has been nothing but hell, and you will just stay here with me.” It says it so seductively that I could almost be convinced to stay.
I am very blessed to have a wonderful circle of friends who circled me with prayers, love and light, and am happy to say I am packing my bags and ready to come back into the light. It’s a struggle, but staying in the dark is not an option I am ready to embrace.
Here is a little something I wrote in the dark place:
I’m here again in this place I know so well~
I’m here again in this fucked up place I call hell.
I don’t understand why I have fallen so low~
I don’t understand why I am my own worst foe.
Maybe someday I can learn to live and stay in the light~
But until then it’s like the long dark soul of the night.