Happy Mothers Day
Mother's day has always given me pause. It's a day where we celebrate the love our mother has for us, but what about those of us who's mother did not love us? This day can be a very painful day.
I remember once I was in the checkout line at my favorite grocery store years back on Mother's Day. The cashier innocently told me to have a happy Mother's Day, and I was in such a state, I shot back, not all of us had a mother who was kind and loving. Mine should have never had children. The poor gal just crumbled; and as I was about to tear up, I just flat footed it out of there as fast as I could. I have never seen her there again, so I was never able to apologize to her. I still feel like that is unfinished business for me. I just lost my shit all over that nice lady.
What I have come to learn is that as a child of abuse heals, you have to learn to re-parent yourself and love yourself as your parental unit should have. I have come to notice that when I get stressed or upset, I tend to rock myself back and forth as I sit forward in my chair. I realize now, that is a way to comfort myself. Just think back to a child being rocked in their mothers arms when they are upset. Unknowing, as I started to heal, I started to mimic that nurturing response for myself to myself.
So today while some will celebrate their kind loving mother, or the memory of their mother who has passed, those of us who did not have that experience, can still celebrate the day; we just have to re-frame it.
Happy Mothers Day to me. I am my own mother, and as a mom, I have to say I am doing a bang up job of it. I can comfort myself when I need it, I totally have unconditional love for myself now like a mom should have for her child, and like a good mom, I have set good, kind, safe boundaries for my heart and soul to live in. Boundaries were always a double edge sword for me because I thought by having any, I would miss out on any love that might come my way.
But like a good parent tells a child not to run into the street out of love for that child, I have set a "don't allow yourself to think you are not worth the best kind of love in this world" boundary for myself. Totally out of love for me.