I had a dream Sunday night about the ex narc that has left me in a bit of a funk. In the dream he came back into my life and was toying with my emotions. When I broke down and cried to him, why are you doing this to me, he said with absolutely no emotion or thought for me, "Don't you get it? I don't care. I have never cared." I woke up from this dream and for a bit didn't even know what day it was, where I was, or if that had actually happened. That dream upended my world that day, and I am still feeling the effects of it two days later.
I looked at my calendar app today that tracks important/memorable dates for me. I am coming up to a big milestone soon. I am close to hitting the 1000 day mark since he so thoughtlessly discarded me for his new supply. I can't believe, here I am almost 1000 days later and it still gets to me. WTF!
I have worked hard to find my value, and to find real true love in my life. And I did find it, in me where it had been hiding all along. But I need to tell you, with that said, one can still have a day or a days like this; where it is all real and raw all over again. I can still hear those words with all the venom as he said them in the dream....."Don't you get it? I don't care." (picture evil laughing.)
As I tried to lick my wounds, I stumbled upon one of those countless YouTube videos about narcissism last night. This speaker likened them to the serpents you find when you drain the swamp - bottom feeders. As they are about to loose their current host, they will slither back to their garages filled with half eaten victims to see who will still let them feed on them. Just the mental picture of that.....of being in that cold dark place with just enough life left in me for him to feast off of, made me sick to my stomach.
So now what? I will hold those words in my head that he said in the dream, and hold the picture of a garage filled with half eaten women left for dead, I will see him for what he is, a serpent slithering back in to feed on anyone one of us in there that will allow him to. I choose to no longer be in that garage with Nancy, or Norma, or Mary or the other women he tried to eat and kill. I choose to not let him feed on me ever again.
Even now, after all this time, he can still haunt me. But, now I know what to do to shift the energy back to me. Even now, as I struggle with this.....I still choose me!