Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Sad for me, but yesterday I broke the no communication policy with the ex that I had maintained for 29 days. And just like it has happened in the past after talking with him, I was left with my heart in pain, and my soul in tears. Any time spent talking with him, just rips pieces of me apart again and I have to tend to the additional wounds to my heart and soul. When will I learn I deserve better? I deserve someone who loves me, not just use me like I was some sort of bank or pack mule.
If you have never seen the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” the title of tonight’s post will not make sense. In the movie the two main characters had a relationship that ended and left them both in pain. They sought out a service that would erase their relationship from their minds, thus relieving them from the pain they were feeling. If only we could do that in real life. As I tried to sleep last night, through my tears I asked Spirit to just erase him from my mind and from my heart. The entire seven years…..please just take his memory away.
I turned on the television in my room, and pulled up YouTube to find some calming HZ vibration music to try to calm down and sleep to. The first thing that popped up on the screen without my searching for anything was this:
Forget Them Now! (The Hypnotic Bad Relationship Memory Eraser) Hypnosis Audio by Dr. Steve G. Jones
I love when Spirit answers prayers immediately. As I laid back and tried to relax into the hypnosis I could not quiet my monkey mind enough to actively participate in the session; but I did listen to it, in its entirety, so I could know what to expect when I was in the right place in my head to engage in the session. The narrator asked you to think of a memory with this person you wanted to forget. I tried to picture in my conscious mind the entire seven year marriage. As that was too vague and too big of a bite all at once, I realized I was going to have to come up with a strong memory of one event to work on erasing. Sadly at this point, I was unable to recall a happy memory that was tripping up my healing and I was unable to narrow down the many sad times to one event that would help my healing if I erased it.
I don’t think I realized until now, how all the things he did, the silent treatment days, the disapproving looks and stares, the lack of support on a daily basis, and the plain just not being there for me in any emotional, kind, loving way most days after the first year, eroded so much of my confidence and any self love I had.
I finally figured out today after listening to my favorite audio book in my office, “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer, what the memory that was tripping me up the most is. It’s not even something that I witnessed or was a part of, but it is what hurts me the most. It’s the thought that plays over and over in my mind serving no purpose other than to torture me. It’s the vision of him “with” his new gal. I know I have made fun of the fact that she is 11 years older than him, and only 10 years younger than my mother, eewweee, but it cuts my heart into pieces to think of it. Knowing that he is sharing that part of him that I held sacred between us with someone else is what breaks my heart the most. Call me old fashioned, but that is the truth of what is keeping me stuck. So tonight, understanding this is the “memory” that is keeping me in pain, I am going to engage in the full experience, and erase that “non-memory, but torture thought from my mind.
I truly believe that Spirit sent that video to me because of my plea for help. I am humbled and honored that Spirit heard me and answered me so quickly. Please wish me luck..... My sanity and healing depends on it.