I am an “emotional cutter.” Against my better judgment I called the flaming asshole tonight just to see how he was doing in his new place. He said he was still settling in. Then I asked if he was still seeing his Norma Jean. I have to say in my delusional mind I was hoping he would say no, I miss you and love you and want to come home. But instead he said, “Yes, because since I moved out, she realized what she lost and is on her best behavior with me now, so we are still together.”
I just wanted to barf for two reasons. First, who thinks like that? Who thinks so highly of themselves to even say something like that, she is on her best behavior because she realized what she lost??? Secondly because I am so stupid to even think he would want to come home and still loves me. Clearly he doesn’t, clearly he has moved on, and I need to do the same.
But why, why can’t I seem to let this go. He is not a nice person. He just uses people. I understand from a clinical perspective that he is my “mother” in that she, like he, was supposed to love me, but never did. That on some level I am still trying to win their approval, and their love. It makes perfect sense in my head, but my heart just isn’t letting go.
So tonight, I finally deleted his phone number, deleted his email address, and am trying to let it sink in to my heart that we are over, and I am better off without a “narcissist” in my life. I have been really struggling with depression over the last few weeks. I know the root of it was over him. I got so low I was having a hard time functioning daily. Perhaps now that there is no question he is never going to coming back, I can start to heal my heart. Repeat after me Willow, he is never coming home, he is never coming home, it's over.
I need to stop emotionally cutting myself. Please pray that I have the strength to find my own value and love myself so that the thought of him being gone brings me peace and happiness. I don't know what else to do.