Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto
It’s been two days since I started the cut and clearing work to remove Mike’s energy from my heart, my home and my mind. I have to say this work has helped a lot. I found it hard to think of him today for the first time. I noticed about half way through my work day that he hadn’t drifted across my mind all morning. Granted, it’s always busy in a medical clinic on Mondays, but I was happy to not be bombarded with random intrusive thoughts of him. I have also spent two nights engaging in the “Erase him from your Mind” hypnosis video, and am happy to report thinking of him being “with” his new gal is not crossing my mind much anymore either.
As I write this tonight, the cut and clear incense I am using keeps wanting to go out. In some way I think his energy is still fighting to hang on to my heart - like corralling a herd of cows for future use. The thought of him as a robot came to me tonight; a machine with no heart and no feelings, who was just here to get what he could for free and move on to his next target. It makes it easier to let him go knowing there was nothing really there on the inside to begin with. It’s hard to stay in love with a hollow shell.
I also watched a few new YouTube video’s on narcissists last night. There are many different people in these videos all basically saying the same thing; it’s just that some of them say it in a way that your heart can hear along with your mind. One of the things I heard from someone new likened the narcs targets to an “appliance.” We were just like a toaster or washing machine to them; a source of energy and fuel. Seeing it this way makes looking at them as not being human, but as poorly programmed robots much easier for my heart to wrap around. You know like the rise of the evil machines in the Terminator movies, hell bent on destroying the world.
I am really feeling like I am turning a corner on the grieving process for the first time. I have grieved the death of my marriage. I have grieved the death of my dream life with him, and now I am finally grieving the death of my love for him. With all of that sadness cleared, my energy will be free to start in earnest the rebuilding of my self respect, my self worth, and finally finding forgiveness and love for myself. It’s been a quite a process and journey so far, one I didn't know I even signed up for; but now I know this is just the beginning of the next chapter of my life. I can’t wait to see what happens next!