My mother recently suffered a pretty severe stroke. It's been touch and go for awhile. At first the doctors told us she would not make it through the night when it first happened. I was struck at the tears I shed when hearing the news. I wasn't even sure why I was crying. Yes it's a sad stage of life when loosing one's parent, but given our history, I was surprised at my tears.
After much thought, I realized what I was crying for were the memories we never could make; memories of times spent enjoying each others company. We have been largely estranged for the last 20 years of my life, and prior to that I have very few happy memories of time with her. I remember the beatings; verbal, mental and physical. Those are the memories I have with her.
I realized what I feel for her now is compassion, nothing more. Compassion for someone trapped in a body no longer working for her. Compassion for a woman who was so concerned about how her house looked, how she looked, what the neighbors would think, now laying in a hospital bed, barely able to move, and unable to take care of herself. She only has use of her right arm, and can somewhat hold her head up on her own.
True to form, she has outlived the prediction of "most likely won't make it through the night." It's been a week now of offering my brother who lives local to her support and love in dealing with this situation largely on his own but for his wonderful girlfriend. My mother told my brother that God spoke to her and said she was to mean to come home, so she would be staying on for the foreseeable future. WTF? Really????
How said to be eighty-four years old and that is the word of God to you. For that I have compassion. With nothing more than compassion in my heart for her, and even for my ex husband Michael, who kept up the abuse until I learned to love myself, I feel like I have finally healed the wound of abandonment I carried all these years. No more pain, no more doubt or hate in my heart, just compassion for us all, and a very healthy respect and love for myself that I would have never found in this life without them pushing me to learn it.
For me finding only compassion in my heart for them = healed.
